Category Archives for "Self Love More Freedom"

October 18, 2018

Brene Brown

I came across an article written by Brene Brown and it REALLY resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you ...

When the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:  I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.

If you look at each midlife “event” as a random, stand-alone struggle, you might be lured into believing you’re only up against a small constellation of “crises.” The truth is that the midlife unraveling is a series of painful nudges strung together by low-grade anxiety and depression, quiet desperation, and an insidious loss of control. By low-grade, quiet, and insidious, I mean it’s enough to make you crazy, but seldom enough for people on the outside to validate the struggle or offer you help and respite. It’s the dangerous kind of suffering – the kind that allows you to pretend that everything is OK.

We go to work and unload the dishwasher and love our families and get our hair cut. Everything looks pretty normal on the outside. But on the inside we’re barely holding it together. We want to reach out, but judgment (the currency of the midlife realm) holds us back. It’s a terrible case of cognitive dissonance – the psychologically painful process of trying to hold two competing truths in a mind that was engineered to constantly reduce conflict and minimize dissension (e.g., I’m falling apart and need to slow down and ask for help. Only needy, flaky, unstable people fall apart and ask for help).

It’s human nature and brain biology to do whatever it takes to resolve cognitive dissonance – lie, cheat, rationalize, justify, ignore.  For most of us, this is where our expertise in managing perception bites us on the ass. We are torn between desperately wanting everyone to see our struggle so that we can stop pretending, and desperately doing whatever it takes to make sure no one ever sees anything except what we’ve edited and approved for posting.

What bubbles up from this internal turmoil is fantasy. We might glance over at a cheap motel while we’re driving down the highway and think, I’ll just check in and stay there until they come looking for me. Then they’ll know I’m losing my mind. Or maybe we’re standing in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher when we suddenly find ourselves holding up a glass and wondering, “Would my family take this struggle more seriously if I just started hurling all this shit through the window?”

Most of us opt out of these choices. We’d have to arrange to let the dog out and have the kids picked up before we checked into the lonely roadside motel. We’d spend hours cleaning up glass and apologizing for our “bad choices” to our temper tantrum-prone toddlers. It just wouldn’t be worth it, so most of us just push through until “losing it” is no longer a voluntary fantasy.

Midlife or Midlove

Many scholars have proposed that the struggle at midlife is about the fear that comes with our first true glimpse of mortality. Again, wishful thinking. Midlife is not about the fear of death. Midlife is death. Tearing down the walls that we spent our entire life building is death. Like it or not, at some point during midlife, you’re going down, and after that there are only two choices: staying down or enduring rebirth.

It’s a painful irony that the very things that may have kept us safe growing up ultimately get in the way of our becoming the parents, partners, and/or people that we want to be.

Maybe, like me, you are the perfect pleaser and performer, and now all of that perfection and rule following is suffocating. Or maybe you work hard to keep people at a safe distance and now the distance has turned into intolerable loneliness. There are also the folks who grew up taking care of everyone else because they had no choice. Their death is having to let go of the caretaking, and their rebirth is learning how to take care of themselves (and work through the pushback that always comes with setting new boundaries).

Whatever the issue, it seems as if we spend the first half of our lives shutting down feelings to stop the hurt, and the second half trying to open everything back up to heal the hurt.

Sometimes when the “tear the walls down and submit to death” thing overwhelms me, I find it easier to think about midlife as midlove. After two decades of research on shame, authenticity, and belonging, I’m convinced that loving ourselves is the most difficult and courageous thing we’ll ever do. Maybe we’ve been given a finite amount of time to find that self-love, and midlife is the halfway mark. It’s time to let go of the shame and fear and embrace love. Time to fish or cut bait.

…it seems as if we spend the first half of our lives shutting down feelings to stop the hurt, and the second half trying to open everything back up to heal the hurt.

I don’t think midlife/midlove is on a schedule. I was forty-one when it hit, but I have friends and I’ve interviewed people who found themselves smack dab in the middle of the unraveling as early as their mid-thirties and as late as their fifties. The only firm timing for midlife/midlove is that it ends only when we physically die. This is not something you can treat then dismiss. The search for self-love and acceptance is like most of the new ailments that hit at midlife – it’s a chronic condition. It may start in midlife, but we have to deal with it for the rest of our lives.

And, just in case you think you can blow off the universe the way you did when you were in your twenties and she whispered, “Pay attention,” or when you were in your early thirties and she whispered, “Slow down,” I assure you that she’s much more dogged in midlife. When I tried to ignore her, she made herself very clear: “There are consequences for squandering your gifts. There are penalties for leaving big pieces of your life unlived. You’re halfway to dead. Get a move on.”

Once the shock of the universe’s visits wears off – and you get over thinking, Oh my God! I’d prefer a crisis! – there are several ways to respond:

I hear tell that there are actually people who pull the universe closer, embrace her wisdom, thank her for the opportunity to grow, and calmly walk into the unraveling. I try to spend limited time with these people, so I can’t tell you much about how this works.

Another option is to deny that any of this ever happened. Of course, denial is not so easy at this level – it is the universe that we’re talking about here. Pretending that midlife is not happening requires active denial, like putting your fingers in your ears and singing la-la-la-la-la. As sweet and childlike as that may sound, these folks are normally not so sweet and childlike.

After the ear-plugging and humming, the only way to maintain your denial of the midlife unraveling is to become even more perfect, more certain, and more judgmental. For these folks, allowing just one ounce of uncertainty or doubt or questioning to bubble up could cause rapid, involuntary unraveling. They can’t be wrong – their lives could spin out of control.  They march through life, teeth and butt cheeks clenched, without flinching and, often, without feeling.

There’s also the numbing option. If there’s one thing that we’ve mastered by midlife, it’s how to take the edge off of feeling pain and discomfort. We are so good at numbing – eating, drinking, spending, planning, playing online, perfecting, staying really, really busy. If every midlifer who “only drinks a good glass of wine with dinner” stopped drinking, there wouldn’t be a vineyard left in business. Unfortunately, what makes midlife different from the other stages that we’ve managed to survive, is that the symptoms don’t improve over time. Choosing to numb the midlife unraveling is choosing to numb for the rest of your life.

Last, there’s the “no holds barred” resistance response. I liken it to existential cage fighting. You and the universe go into the ring and only one person comes out. This, of course, was my option.

When the universe came to me, I listened. And when she was done whispering, I pulled back, looked into her eyes, and spit in her face.

How dare she ask anything of me! I had worked and sacrificed and paid enough. I had spent my life saying “yes” when I wanted to scream, “Hell no! Do it yourself!” I had met every deadline, expectation, and request possible. I had earned every bit of my armor and I was enraged by the idea of giving it up.

I expected her to walk away like the dejected mother of an angry teenager, but she simply stood in front of me, wiping the spit off of her cheek.

We stared at each other for a minute, then I said, “I’m not afraid of you. I know what you’re asking and the answer is no. I’ve spent my entire life building these walls and digging these moats – do you really think a little whisper is going to intimidate me? Do I strike you as the unraveling type?”

I’m not ornery or rebellious by nature; it’s just that I spent thirty years trying to outrun and outsmart vulnerability and uncertainty.  The fact that the almighty universe had descended and asked me to turn myself over to her custody didn’t mean a damn thing to me. I’m not the surrendering type.

She was quiet.

I didn’t back down. I was my own little emotional militia. I put on my most serious game face and said, “I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work. I’m prepared. I’ve spent a decade researching and writing on shame and vulnerability and all of the hard shit that you throw around to scare people. I’m ready.”

She looked back at me with loving eyes, then said, “I’m sorry it has to be this way, but clearly this is how you want to do it. You leave me no choice.”

Her calmness was unsettling. I was afraid. She wasn’t backing down. So in this moment of sheer terror, I did the only thing I knew how to do when confronted with fear – I bullied her. I gave her a small shove and said, “Then bring it!”

Her loving eyes didn’t change one bit. She just looked at me and said, “I will.”

When the Universe Brings It

I put up the fight of my life, but I was totally outmatched. The universe knew exactly how to use vulnerability and uncertainty to bring down this perfectionistic shame researcher:  a huge, unexpected wallop of professional failure, one devastating and public humiliation after the next, a showdown with God, strained connections with my family, anxiety so severe that I started having dizzy spells, depression, fear, and the thing that pissed me off the most – grace. No matter how hard or far I fell, grace was there to pick me up, dust me off, and shove me back in for some more.

It was an ugly street fight and, even though I got my ass kicked, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. There was a significant amount of pain and loss, but something amazing happened along the way – I discovered me. The real me. The messy, imperfect, brave, scared, creative, loving, compassionate, wholehearted me.

Maya Angelou writes, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” I’ve always honored the power of story. In fact, I believe so strongly in their power that I’ve dedicated my career to excavating untold stories and bringing them up to the light. In some miraculous way, I feel as if this midlife unraveling has taught me – in my head and my heart – how to be brave. I’m still not good at surrendering or “living in the question,” but I am getting better. I guess you could say I’ve graduated to “writhing in the question.” Not exactly Zen, but it is progress.

As far as my relationship with the universe . . . well, we’ve actually become very good friends. I even came to love and trust her when, in a quiet moment, I looked deeply into her eyes and realized that she, the universe, was me.

To read the article in its entirety, head over to Brene Brown's blog and it's called The Midlife Unraveling

Feeling Disenchanted With Life? I Wrote This For You.

Happy day friend!

Have you ever felt stuck because you couldn’t figure out the “right” next step?  Of course you have, you’re human!!

Each time we get to a phase in our lives where we begin to feel disenchanted, where we’re tired of our financial circumstance, our living situation, our relationship, our health, the quality of our lives…whatever it is…we know that we need to make a change because the longer we remain complacent, the stronger that nagging feeling gets.  

It makes you question what the point of it all is.  
It makes you wonder if there really is something more.  
It makes you question the stability of your mental health.  

So each time we get to this phase in our life, just remember that it’s life’s way of trying to get our attention.  To let us know that we need to shed our skin.  To step into something bigger.  

And I know how challenging it can be because after so many attempts at trying to create the life you want, you feel that you can’t afford to make any more mistakes at this stage of the game.  Time is ticking.

A part of you wants to just throw your hands in the air and scream “I surrender” and hope to God that the epiphany you hear so many others talk about, comes to you too.  And the other part of you is gripping on for dear life and doing everything in its power to figure out the what and the how.  Oh, the how.

You just want some salvation.  You want someone to come along and just tell you what to do next.  
To lay out the plan before you.  
You'd give anything.  EN-EE-THING.  For just a sliver of clarity.  
Just something to grab on to so that you know which direction to go in.

I can't tell you how many times I have stood at the same crossroads.
And stood there for longer than I care to admit. 

So long in fact that instead of making a move, I instead began stretching every dollar I had…significantly decreasing my lifestyle to the point that I would’ve been embarrassed if anyone ever found out. 
It also impacted my mental and emotional health…and yet, I made no real move.  It became my new norm. 

I had become complacent.  It’s amazing how much I was willing to tolerate in order to avoid feeling fear. 

The realization that this had been an ongoing theme throughout my life hit me right between the eyes.  

Whether it was in relationships, with my finances, my living situations, my health…always tolerated and always became complacent. 

Was I really that afraid of putting myself out there and swing for the fences (in case I fell short) that I would choose to tolerate:

-> Having to go without and putting myself in situations where month after month I              worried whether I was going to be able to pay my bills.

->Toxic relationships.

->Feeling shitty in my body. 

I decided enough was enough. 

I wasn’t going to live my life allowing fear to dictate my actions. (or lack thereof) 

I decided to live my life in alignment with who I am.  

I decided to do work that was purposeful and as a result, would bring in financial abundance.

I decided to have a healthy, energized and fit body. 

I did a complete 180. 

Health:  

28 day cleanse.  I used to start these all the time and never finish. 
This time, whenever I wanted to quit, I would remind myself of the outcome I wanted, of how I would feel if I gave in.  

I reminded myself how I would feel if I kept going.  I reminded myself that if I quit/cheated now, I’d have to start all over again.  That If I kept going, I’d be that much closer to having this handled for good. 

As a result, I’ve been sleeping like a bear.
The amount of energy I have is borderline unbelievable. 
Discipline has strengthened.
No longer crave sweets.  (this is huge for me)
Skin is smoother and glowing.
I actually have to remind myself to eat because I no longer eat to soothe myself. 
Pictures coming soon-ish.  

Business:

Currently four businesses on the go (2 of the four are currently generating very healthy revenues and the other two are at zero dollars but they've just been launched)
Showing up like I never have before.  
My focus has pretty freaking mind-blowing if I do say so myself. 
Again, discipline has strengthened.
I’m having the time of my life.
Money has been a beautiful by-product of living on purpose and it has come in easier than ever before.  It’s been effortless, really.
Exact numbers coming soon-ish.

I don’t buy into my own bullshit.  
When I feel tired/scared/blah/busy, I focus on the outcome I want and remind myself of how I would feel if I didn’t do X.  
I remind myself of the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction I’ll feel when I do X.  

I turn off all the notifications on my phone when I go to bed each night and they stay off until usually, noon.  The only time I look at my phone in the morning is to access my meditation app.  I focus like a mother.  

I flood my brain with motivational talks.  

When I clean, drive, shop…I listen to a podcast or an audio I’ve downloaded​ from Youtube.
When I tell you that I live and breath mindset stuff…I’m not kidding.  

Aside from the reading I do on my break (last one I read was called The Alice Network and it's sooo good) and a few instances where I watch a bit of a show or movie, I’m fully immersed in mindset fuel.  

Is this extreme?  Perhaps.  But if I want extreme results, I need to do extreme things.  

I know that I’m capable of more.  That I’m meant to be, do and have more and I’m not going to squander away any more time.  

I had made the decision on a Friday. (you know you’re serious about making a change when you don’t wait for Monday in order to start)
And that weekend I finished 3 websites, wrote a bunch of posts, wrote emails, blogs, recorded and edited podcasts, went to the farmer’s market, went for walks, had a client sign up, purged my closet and my bookshelves, finally dropped the bag of electronics I had been carting around in my car for months to the recycle bin, chatted with family AND began the cleanse. 

That was just the beginning.  It’s been an exhilarating and soulful adventure, with results and outcomes that make my heart and bank account smile.   

The biggest lesson for me in all of this is that the thing with receiving things which you know are divined is that it’ll only happen if you clear obstructions to flow (which is a practice, continual, and never ends), in conjunction with actively choosing to BE THAT PERSON.

Embody the:
Beliefs
Thoughts
Feelings
Emotions
Energies
Expectations
And actions of that person, and the physical reality of that person will appear around you.

My question to you is; where in your life are you tolerating?   

Because you don’t want to have gone through life living a half-assed shadow version of yourself who didn’t live the life she was born for because she was scared.

Lots of love,

ps.  Are you ready to step up fully into your life & business?  Click here to fill out an application to see if we’d be a good fit to work together.  We won’t be starting until the end of next month…just in time for a Fall fresh start.   

The Invitation

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.  I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have been touched sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear and further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.  

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.  If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.  If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the ocean and shout to the silver of the moon, 'Yes'.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.  

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments  

Honour Your Word

grit. follow through. stay in flow. honour your word

This is it!!  No more screwing around.  No more setting goals and not following through.

No more saying that you want to be fit and toned but then skip a workout when you're not feeling it or eat food that isn't nourishing ... and then promising to start again tomorrow and convincing yourself that this time you mean it only to repeat the cycle yet again.  

No more saying you're going to make big money in your business and then hide behind quotes and half told truths.  You don't go all in, you don't show up, you don't share what's inside of you, you don't expose yourself.

No more saying you will honour yourself and then say yes to the request you really wanted to say no to.  You don't speak up because you make them liking you more important than you liking you.  

No more saying you will step outside of your comfort zone and then allow the nervous energy, the butterflies in your belly, the fear story running through your mind talk you out of it and again, tomorrow...next time becomes your life saver.  

No more saying you're going to do whatever it takes and then tell yourself it won’t work when faced with rejection.  

No more.  No more.  No more.  

You either trust yourself or you don’t
You either choose to believe that you can have it or you don’t.
You either live your life full out or you squander it away by allowing fear and lack of mental discipline to steal your dreams.  

“I relax knowing that all I need to do is show up in this moment as myself…for myself…In service of what needs me.  This is the place I plan my days from.  This is the place I run my life from.  This is the place that I return to.”

Growth.  Believe.  Expand.
You are always supported.
Listen to what’s inside of you.
Trust.  Faith.  Express.

Don’t concern yourself with what others think, say or do.
Please yourself.
Empty yourself  so that by the end of each day you  go to bed fulfilled.
Breathe.  Explore.  Learn.

Align.  Open.  Receive.
Honour your soul and make being in flow a priority...THE priority.  
Because, always for your soul. 

June 21, 2018

For The Love Of Wine

Best business coach. Best life coach

From now on, don’t say yes to anyone for the sake of sparing their feelings, gaining their approval or to avoid conflict…whether they’re friends, acquaintances or strangers. 

BE SELECTIVE.  IT’S OKAY TO SAY NO. FUCK, IT’S MORE THAN OKAY.  IT’S YOUR RIGHT.  YOU OWE NO ONE NOTHING. PERIOD.  END OF STORY.  
HONOUR YOURSELF WOMAN.  
(The above was taken from an excerpt from my journal)

What is it that makes some of us such people pleasers?
Why do we stifle our voices?
Why do we starve our self-respect in order to feed the ego’s of others? 

Self-worth shows up in every aspect of our lives.   

In my money - Always paying for everyone when we'd go out, tipping A LOT more than what is normal, buying people expensive gifts...I could go on.

In my relationships - I'd lose myself .. my identity.  Create scenarios to feed my ego. 

And in my health - Because I'd stifle my voice and hold in those little things that weren't okay with me (until it would snowball into a huge ball of anger) I started having stomach issues.  Constipation, a stagnant liver, unbalanced hormones...feelings of depression.

At some point you have to stand up for yourself and be proactive in your life.  The feelings of dis-ease will only get stronger and you can try and put the onus on everything and everyone around you but you're only delaying the inevitable. 

It all comes back to you.  
Learn to trust yourself.  Trust that you will take care of yourself.  That you'll honour yourself.   
Make a declaration and post it on your social media, send out emails, create a note on your phone so that you can copy and paste it for the next time you have to send a text to someone in response to a request that they've made. 
Tell the world that for the next 30 days, you're working on something and any and all requests will be met with a no or a not right now and you appreciate their understanding. 
 
Read books on assertiveness, on expressing emotions, on loving yourself.
Speak to a therapist.
Watch videos.
Listen to podcasts.
Journal.
Take one step each day to flex your boundary muscle.  

Your money, your mind and your body will thank you for it. 

June 5, 2018

My Bad Habits, Behaviours and Patterns

I've come to realize something about myself...two things actually.
  
1.  Being in the grey zone zaps my energy like a mofo.  I'm the queen of maybe's and tentative plans.  Partly because I'm a people pleaser, partly because I don't know what I'm going to be in the mood for ahead of time, so committing to something freaks me out. And partly because it "seems" easier to put off making a decision.   

It's kinda like having a hole in your energy bucket.  The more maybe's you have floating around out there or things still requiring you to make a decision on, the more holes in the bucket and the more energy being zapped.  

Same goes if you say yes *raises hand* knowing you'll probably have to cancel. 

2.  The older I've gotten, the less able I am to do things for the sake of doing them...no matter how good the opportunity and no matter how much my head is telling me to push through. 
If it's not aligned, my soul/heart/higher-self (whatever you want to call it) is putting on all the brakes until I recognize that I need to course correct.   

When I don't listen to how I feel and when I allow my mind to steer the ship, it's like I've pressed the button for the rollercoaster ride to begin and the safety bar has been pushed down on my lap just enough to not throw me off completely but enough to know that something is seriously wrong. 

There's a difference between resisting something because you're afraid/nervous and resisting because you're not aligned. 

When I'm resisting because I'm afraid, it usually comes up as:

  • Over preparing and organizing. 
  • Immersing myself in learning instead of doing. 
  • Helping other people.  Whether it's to help build their business, get out of debt, make more money, end a relationship, start a relationship, get healthy...you name it.  It's a whole lot easier focusing on someone else's stuff than our own. 

Essentially I make myself busy. 

And the stories that come up for me are fear based...afraid of looking dumb.  I question my ability and readiness.     

When I'm not aligned, avoidance is the name of the game and I also feel like the things I'm doing are a chore...a means to an end. 
And when doubts arise, I try and talk myself into why I should keep going. 

-> Watching tv in the middle of the day to escape/avoid instead of doing it to recharge.
   
-> Checking my phone every 5 minutes.  Whereas, when I'm aligned, I get miffed when I'm interrupted and more often than not, will have all my notifications turned off completely.  

-> Eating.  And trust me when I say that I wasn't reaching for fruits or veggies.  

-> Promising myself that tomorrow would be different. (and believing it) which meant I'd put things off ALL the time until I couldn't put them off any longer and used the time crunch as the motivator to finish X. 

-> Spending more than I was making.  

And these are just a few!

Please tell me I'm not alone.  What are the habits/behaviours/patterns that let you know that there's something off?  

ps.  My podcast is going live on June 11th!  So excited


June 4, 2018

I Would Like To Give You Permission

I Would Like To Give You Permission

In this moment, on this breath, in the room in which you are sitting, if you would allow me to, I’d like to give you permission to come out from hiding.  To come out from behind the curtain of your life and be here on this breath, unapologetically you.  

This means, in this moment you are allowed to sit without the weight of your various identities and you are allowed to sit here without the pressure of being appeasing or pleasing to anyone.  

You are allowed to sit here in this moment only to take care of your own self, your own heart, your own tenderness.  And let this moment be one of freedom and non-identification.  

Let this moment be a reunion with the you you sometimes do not allow yourself to be.  
The you you sometimes forget. 
And the you that you are sometimes afraid to be. 

If you do not know who this you is, it is the one inside of you that feels relief when it comes home and closes the door.
It is the tender heart inside of you.
It is the you that was shushed when young. 
That was contained, bullied, ridiculed into hiding. 
It is the you you shoved inside when you were told to act more appropriately.  
To be less truthful.  To hide your feelings.
To be more lovable by acting how someone else wanted you to.
The you that is free from being what others want you to be.
It is the inherent you.  The one you were born as before squeezed into tiny boxes.  The you that came into the world completely unembarrassed, unapologetic. 
Deep as the ocean, ferociously wild and unencumbered.

The you you comfortingly come home to when everyone has left you to be.
I want you to be aware of this self inside of you 
Really aware.  Fiercely aware.
I want to lovingly encourage you to be this person.  I want to tell you that you are allowed to be loyal to this you.  That in being this you, you find freedom.  Your intrinsic freedom.  
And that by being in your intrinsic freedom you lose the need to be anything other than this you.
You remain in your wholeness.  You shed what does not serve you.  You enter your lightness.

It is in this place of freedom to be as you are without excuse or hiding, that you are able to easily see and feel where you are not aligned.  Where you are choosing to live not in your truth?  

The places you are holding too much together, where you are not saying as you feel.
Where you are working hard at being perceived a certain way. 
Where you are effort-ing to be loved as something maybe you are not. 
Where you are afraid to be seen, exposed, vulnerable.  

So instead you hide and revolt against those who come into your life. 
You divide and sever yourself into many tiny pieces in attempt to be loved and accepted. 
It is a sobering place to stand in. 
Now aware of all the places you are being not how you desire to be…not how you know is true for you. 
You are becoming awake to all of the places you are not allowing yourself to live in its most fundamentally vital ground. 
You are becoming aware of the division of selves.
How you are one thing and choosing another for fear of not being received. 
If you are feeling in pain at the realizations…at the seeing of the wholes, know that there is nothing wrong with you.

Do not feel ashamed of this.  We are all doing the exact same things.  
No person is completely living in their truth and freedom. 
The pain of these realizations, is a kind of beautiful pain. 
The kind of pain that is loving you. 
The kind of pain that is trying to bring you into a life where you are serving your most authentic version of you. 
Not hiding from it 

Allow your pain to speak.
Let it magnify the places you are being restrained.
Let your pain be an indicator where truth is needed. 
It is a gracious sign for you to heal this into proper order.
It is guiding you to a life where you are not one thing, but choosing another.
Taking care of this part of you, is your most important pursuit. 

Everything you choose that causes this piece within you pain.
Every time you choose this piece within you to feel compromised, sore, saddened or even threatened, in the name of your highest good, please effort at letting go, please effort at choosing differently, if the piece within you reacts in closing.  

It is your gentle truth speaking to you.
Tend lovingly, honestly to the ground within your centre.
By staying close to your peaceful centre, you will effort less. 
You will make more truthful choices.

You will spend less time compromising the beauty that is intended for you and your life. 
It is here, resting within your divine nature that you can begin to mend your life into harmony. 
Where you can begin to weave your truth into all of the places you are not already living this.

I want to give you permission to choose to love yourself first.
To remind you that in doing this, the rest will follow and all that does not, will fall away.  
I want to give you permission to lie here on this earth and understand this is all for you.
That you do not need to effort to be loved or accepted for anything other than what you are.
You are allowed to feel. 
You are allowed to be as you so simply and perfectly are.

I want to allow you to let go.  To not hold it all together 
And remind you that the you inside of you is right here and knows what you must let go of in order to rise above the things that are holding you hostage. 
And rise the things that are disturbing the peace of your core.

I want to give you permission to follow the deep and unwavering wisdom that is yours within. 
To enter into your intrinsic freedom and to live firmly seated in this place. 
To not judge yourself.
To not feel disheartened 
You are waxing.
This is a very good place to be in.
From awareness comes choice. 
From awareness comes integrity. 
From awareness comes a deep and loving responsibility to keep choosing the path that leads you to your most authentic origin. 

Begin to love yourself so much that all that you are living aligns with and reflects that love. 
This you deserve. 
Go now.  Wyes wide open, without fear.
Bring your life in line.
Force no pain away.
It is all conspiring to bring you home.
Go now.  Start exploring.  Expressing.  Choosing the truths that sit quietly within you.
That sit quietly waiting to guide you to nourishing light.